


The Pain Of It All

by Carryonmywaywardlester



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Trigger Warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 20:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8342368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carryonmywaywardlester/pseuds/Carryonmywaywardlester
Summary: You know that feeling you get when you feel like something is wrong with someone you love? Phil wakes up with that feeling...





	

“I’m sorry, I can’t,” said Phil sadly. 

Dan reached out to grab Phil’s hand to stop him from leaving. “Please, Phil, please don’t leave me, I can change. I will change, just please, don’t go. Stay, and we’ll talk.” 

“Dan, there’s nothing more to talk about. I’m sorry,” whispered Phil as tears poured down his pale cheeks. 

Dan looked towards the hand he held in his own. He watched as the pale slender fingers pull away from his own tanned one. 

“I’m sorry, Dan, take care of yourself,” said Phil in a strangulated voice. He moved towards the top of the stairs to grab the suitcase he’d left there. He picked it up and hauled it out of sight. 

Once Phil was out of sight, Dan sank to the floor a well of misery filled his chest as he let out a howl much like a wounded animal, and started to sob. 

\---

Once Phil got outside on the steps outside of the flat, he sunk down on the steps his face buried in his hands, sobs wracked his body. He couldn’t believe he’d done it, he couldn’t believe he’d actually packed his bags and left. But he just couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t take all the arguing, and fighting that was happening on a daily basis. It wasn’t like he was even the one starting it. 

Phil sighed and sat up. He dried his face on his sleeve and pulled out his phone and made a call. 

\---

“Thanks for putting me up, Chris,” said Phil throatily. 

“No problem, mate. Do you want to talk about it?” asked Chris as he rubbed Phil’s arm. 

Phil merely just shook his head and moved to sit down before his legs gave way and he collapsed in a heap. 

\---

Dan wasn’t sure how long he was laid on the landing. He was feeling extremely exhausted from the sobs that wracked his body. He couldn’t believe it, he never thought that Phil would actually leave him. This time he’d pushed too far. Feelings of guilt tore through his body. Dan grabbed at his hair and began to pull. His sobs grew louder, and a violent urge to end it all overtook his brain. Dan scrambled to his feet, and shuffled towards the bathroom to the cupboard under the sink to see if there was anything he could take. If Phil didn’t want him anymore, then there was no point in him living any longer. Another sob tore from his throat, as he sank to the floor and started rummaging through the boxes and bottles that resided there. But there was nothing that would cause any considerable damage.   
\---

Phil sat curled up in a chair by the window, he wasn’t really seeing anything that was going on in the outside world, he just vacantly stared off into space. That was until Chris gave him a tap on the shoulder. 

“Here mate, he’s a cup of coffee,” said Chris quietly. 

“Thanks,” said Phil taking the steaming mug. 

“What happened, mate? I thought you two were stronger than this, I never thought you’d leave Dan,” said Chris curiously. 

Phil just sighed and shook his head. Hot tears rolled down his pale face, his bottom lip caught between his teeth. He gave his head a small shake and drew in a lung full of air. 

\--- 

Dan had relocated to Phil’s bedroom, he was laid on Phil’s bed curled up in on himself. By now he was just crying quietly, his fists curled around the covers he was gripping tightly. His heart felt like it was breaking over and over again, and his chest felt constricted and air was hard to come by. His eyes stung and felt really heavy, unable to keep his eyes shut, Dan fell into a restless sleep. 

He awoke a couple of hours later, he was sweating and shaking like a leaf. He rolled so he could sit on the edge of the bed, after taking a few deep breaths he made to stand, but as he did so, he fell forward like a felled tree head first into Phil’s mirror. The shards of glass pierced his skin like a knife through butter....

\---

“Chris, do me a favour?” asked Phil quietly. 

“Sure, what’s up?” asked Chris pensively. 

“Can you ring Dan and make sure he’s okay? Make it look like you’re just randomly calling him though. I don’t want him to know I’m here just now,” replied Phil biting his lip. 

“Erm, won’t that be a bit suspicious, me just ringing out of the blue like that?” asked Chris, a frown marring his face.

“True,” said Phil, tears filling his eyes. 

Chris felt his heart constrict. He’d never seen his friend this cut up in all the years he’d known him. Not even his break up with Charlie had been this bad. Chris moved closer towards Phil and wrapped his arms around him as tight as he possibly could. He felt Phil stiffen for a moment, before he melted into Chris’ embrace. The dam broke, and Phil was crying on Chris’ shoulder. 

\---

Several hours later, and Dan felt like he was being shook. He chose to ignore it, figuring it was just a figment of his imagination. Why the fuck would he want to wake up? Phil was gone, he had no reason to open his eyes any longer, death was free to make him his. Finally Dan opened his eyes, and found he was completely alone, it had all just been a dream. Swearing loudly, Dan made to sit up, a stinging sensation ripped through his palm. Moving his hand closer to his face he saw red red blood. That’s when the pain hit him. Dan gasped loudly as he remembered he’d fallen headlong into Phil’s mirror. Dan picked up a shard of the mirror and looked at himself. He had an array of cuts all over his face - a long gash across his forehead that had since clotted over, a few small cuts covered his cheeks too. His arms had also been cut to ribbons too. Dan began to shake as a thought struck him; he could end it all right now, he could take this piece of mirror and drag it across his wrists, and he could just shuffle off of this mortal coil. All he wanted right now was to end this pain and misery...

\---

Phil slept fitfully. Images of Dan kept invading his dreams. Memories of all the good times, the bad times, the loving looks, the laughs, the dreams of the future they had together. Several times Phil woke up in tears, his chest hurt, and he felt like something was sat on his chest. Fear and panic had started to grip his heart, had Dan done something stupid? Somehow he always knew when Dan had done something completely stupid and needed his help. Blindly Phil groped for his phone and glasses. Quickly he checked the time and found it to be almost two in the morning. Figuring Dan would likely still be awake, Phil pulled up his phone list and hit Dan’s number and bought it to his ear. The phone rang and rang. A cold sweat broke out all over Phil’s body. This wasn’t a good sign especially under the circumstances. 

Deciding he wasn’t going to be able to rest until he knew for certain what was going on, Phil quickly and quietly dressed and slipped his shoes on and wrote a note for Chris in case he woke up and found him gone. Once he’d done all that, Phil quietly managed to sneak from Chris’ flat out into the cold morning. 

Eventually he found a taxi to carry him across London back to the home he shared with the one person who knew him better than he knew himself. Once the taxi dropped him outside his door, he was quick to enter the building, and ran as fast as he could up the flight of stairs to the front door, he fumbled with his keys as his hands were shaking so badly. His heart was racing like an Formula One car, and he could barely breathe. Once he finally got inside, he made quick work of the stairs. He checked every room on his way up, finding no sign of Dan he continued his search. Every light was thrown, lighting the flat like the Blackpool illuminations. Finally Phil found him in his bedroom. Blood stained the carpet surrounding Dan, Phil felt his heart stop as soon as he spotted him. A scream tore from Phil’s throat as he threw himself down beside Dan. 

He quickly pulled Dan towards him. He felt cold and there was a ting of blue to his chapped lips. Knowing this wasn’t a good sign, Phil felt for a pulse on Dan’s wrist, that’s when he felt the wetness and split skin. Turning Dan’s wrist over, Phil almost threw up. There were jagged cuts all over his wrist, a rather deep looking one close to the heel of his hand. 

“No, no, no, Dan, no. Oh my God,” sobbed Phil loudly. “Dan, wake up, please wake up, Dan, come back to life I can’t live without you.” 

Quickly Phil realised he would have to call for an ambulance. He pulled his phone from his pocket and dialled for the emergency services. As he explained the situation the controller he was advised to check if Dan had a pulse by finding the pulse point on his neck, finding an extremely weak pulse, Phil breathed a tiny bit easier. He was still alive for the minute. 

\---

Dan woke up in hospital two days later. As he became aware of his surroundings, he heard beeping noises, pains in his wrists and the back of his hand, his forehead felt a little tender. But mostly he felt the warm hand in his. Who the hell could that be? Knowing his luck it was probably his Gran. Though how the fuck would she know? How in Gods name had he ended up in the hospital in the first place? Slowly and painfully he opened his eyes and blinked a few times to rid his eyes of the sleep currently clogging them up. He looked around the room he was in, yep definitely in hospital. He looked at the machines and their steady beep filled his ears, finally he dared to look at the hand holding his so securely. All he saw was a mop of black hair leant against the side of the bed. Dan’s eyes filled with tears, Phil was here, and he was holding his hand again. Had Phil been the one to find him? Dan bit his lip, if that was the case, then he would have seen the state he’d made of himself. Guilt weighed down on his chest, and tears spilled down his cheeks. He couldn’t even kill himself without fucking it up. Why was Phil even here? He didn’t love Dan anymore, did he? 

Dan let out a huge sob, causing Phil to jerk awake. 

“Dan? Oh my God, Dan! You’re awake! You’re awake! Thank God! Dan I was so scared! I thought I’d lost you!” gushed Phil as he planted small kisses all over Dan’s face. 

Both of them were sobbing heartily, each apologising profusely to the other for making such a mess of things. Eventually Phil pulled away to say he was going to go find a doctor and let them know Dan was awake. 

“You’ll come back right?” asked Dan gripping Phil’s hand as tightly as strength would allow. 

“I’m never leaving you again, Dan, you can depend on that.”


End file.
